Olympic Gold!

Well, we did it. We survived the Winter Olympics in our hometown of Vancouver. It rained, it poured, it didn't snow.

We got out and saw athletes, celebrities, news anchors, a zipline over Robson Sq. We won so many medals, so many golds, and hopefully a little national pride.

And the best way to end it? After a week that saw a man win Canada's first gold on home soil, inspired by a disabled older brother, a woman win a bronze after losing her mother, and a true Canadian guy chug a pitcher of beer after sliding his way to Gold?

Well, it turns out that the men's hockey gold was oh, so sweet.

What a way to wrap up a fantastic 2 weeks.

Vancouver, you rock.

















Now, we're ready for a rest.

Mommy Madness & The Mess

I recently picked up a copy of Judith Warner's Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. According to the back cover, the book is meant to be an examination of the "caught-by-the-throat feeling so many mothers have today of always doing something wrong." I was so interested in what she had to say that as soon as I got home I curled up in bed and started devouring it, nodding my head in agreement, reading passages aloud to The Husband.

Modern motherhood is a mess. Check.

There are too many unrealistic expectations. Check.

Moms are often made to feel inadequate, creating a supermom mentality. Check.

But then I read this:

I was angered by the continued onslaught of press reports about the pernicious effects of day care, and the continual beating-up on working mothers. I found the pressure to breastfeed for at least a year, to endure natural childbirth, and to tolerate the boundary breakdowns of "attachment parenting" -- baby-wearing, co-sleeping, long-term breastfeeding and the rest of it -- cruelly insensitive to mothers' needs and adult women. And I was amazed by the fact that the women around me didn't seem to find their lives strange. It appeared normal to them that motherhood should be fraught with anxiety and guilt and exhaustion. It didn't seem to dawn on anyone that there could be another way. I was shocked by the degree to which everyone --feminist or not-- seemed willing to accept the "choices" given to them, even to accept the idea that the narrow paths they'd been forced into living were choices. (pp 15).

And all of a sudden I was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and a little confused.

The Husband and I like to think of ourselves as attachment parents. We strive to be the type who try to raise kids that cry to be put down rather than picked up. We babywear, cosleep, and breastfeed. We talk to friends about our choices, a few who do some or all of these things, many who do not. We try to avoid judging or preaching (failing at times), but all in all we've been pretty content with everything.

According to Ms. Warner, however, these things, these attachment behaviours, are all "cruelly insensitive to mothers' needs and adult women." And that's where I got stuck.

Cruel.

To be clear, I'm no advocate of modern motherhood with moms 'having it all' and egalitarian husbands still enjoying 1950s lifestyles. I think many moms are getting screwed by unrealistic expectations, parenting falsehoods and limited childcare options. The way I see it, we're just another generation of women largely expected to choose between a one-income household in a two-income world or leaving our kids to be Raised By Others.

Sure, we may have choices, but they're shit choices.

What really got me about Ms. Warner's statement was that, for me, attachment parenting has been quite the opposite. It's a freedom from convention and expectation. I've dreaded navigating the outside world while pushing my kids around in oversized shopping carts, complete with cupholders. I've worried about the exhaustion of nighttime feeds. I've been less than thrilled with the idea of having to buy, prepare and maintain bottles of formula to free myself from the shackles of motherhood. I've been similarly annoyed at the idea that I have to now buy packaged rice cereal and all the accessories (boxes, bowls, spoons, high chairs, bibs) to give my child the right culinary introduction. I'm also in no hurry to free myself from the one thing that always quiets a fussy baby - not now and not after a year.

And this is where I think Ms. Warner got it wrong. 

Shortly after conception, today's mother is expected to step onto an escalator of parenting rules. First, she must make her lists of must-have goods to purchase, then she must read her books, learn about schedules and crying it out, construct a nursery, learn how to maximize cognitive potential, all while buying the required accessories and keeping up with her peers. It seems to me that a mother's choice is not a choice between conventional parenting and attachment parenting (or whatever else is in vogue at the moment). It's actually not a choice at all -- it's a guideline. A patriarchal prescription for how to mother safely and effectively.

A mother's choice is nothing more than a thinly veiled instruction from 'the experts'.

As such, we don't need freedom from our children but rather, we need freedom from 'others'. For us, attachment parenting has not been about giving our "entire beings over to our child" so much as finding a way to incorporate her into our lives. It has been the "other way", not the norm or the expectation. I've worn our baby into restaurants, movies, and stores, on the bus, out for a walk and while writing a research paper. By co-sleeping with a side-car style crib, nighttime feeds simply require that I roll over. When she's hungry, having a hard time sleeping or being generally fussy, all I have to do is pull down my top and feed her. None of this is cruel, if anything it's freeing.

At the same time, I can see where Ms. Warner's coming from. I wrote earlier about how I don't really understood the connection between attachment parenting and anti-vaccine sentiments. As with any style of parenting, attachment, conventional or otherwise, there's always the potential for mothers to take it a step further. To assume that their choices are the best choices and that they, and only they, have their childrens' best interests at heart. Same goes for schooling choices and child care options. We see it in the playground, in our families, on popular social media sites like blogs and twitter, and in organized programs for children. We see moms attack one another and judge one another and avoid one another and just generally behave in a way we'd never permit in our children.

Nowadays, conception nets you a first-class ticket to the mommy-wars.

But what can we do about it? Short of telling our fellow mommy critics to bugger off, how do we move past the judgements and conventions and rules and just parent our children with intention and awareness, while still being mindful of ourselves and those around us?

It seems to me that instead of using terms like 'must have' and 'expert' and 'mommy wars', we need to take a step back and figure out what we're really after. If so many of us are so unhappy, there must not be a 'best way'.

And before you nod your head agreement, saying that there is no best way and why can't we all just get along, take a moment and ask yourself what you could do differently. Because it seems to me that each and everyone of us is living in a glass house with a rather large stone collection.

Do you have any ideas on how we got to this place? Are you an attachment parent or do you swear by schedules and structure? Better yet, do you have your own war story or an anecdote from when you were less than kind with another mother?

Cloth Diapering In An Apartment

I've written before about cloth diapering on vacation. As I finish up my maternity leave and get ready to head back to work, I thought I'd take a little time to review cloth diapering in an apartment.

And not just any apartment.

I live in an apartment without in-suite laundry. 

Gasp. Turns out I'm a sucker for all that eco-friendly BS and I just couldn't stomach throwing all those diapers in the garbage, let alone individually wrapped genie dipes that haunt the world for at least 500 years.

After looking at all our options including supposed ecofriendly diapers (akin to a Big Mac made to 'look' fat free), so-called 'biodegradable' diapers (akin to that same Big Mac being 'fat free provided you don't actually eat it'), and cloth, we settled on a local cloth diaper service.

And that diaper service was a great option while we were still getting our bearings but after a while I wanted a bit more control over our stock.

I realize that there aren't many cloth diapering mamas in apartments without in-suite laundry. The whole 'in-suite' bit seems to be the one exception to everyone's cloth diapering conversations. Like, it's an option until you get that bit of info and then, "No way! No how!" is it reasonable to cloth diaper when you don't have your own washer and dryer.

But then lots of mamas with in-suite laundry don't cloth diaper because they assume it's too hard. Realizing this, I got to thinking, what do other people do in other apartments? Surely I can't be the only douchy ecomom out there. I mean, how do people cloth diaper in NYC - a city of apartment dwellers?

So I Googled it and didn't find a whole lot other than some stuff on mom-discussion boards.

Yes, you can cloth diaper without in-suite laundry!

After all my searching and learning and worrying and blabbing to loads of people who didn't care to hear me blab, I'm here to tell you that it's 1) doable, 2) cheap, 3) doable, and 4) not as hard as you'd think.

Here's how we make it work in supposedly unworkable circumstances:

The goods:

• We have enough diapers to last for 3-4 days and wash a load of diapers every 3 days.
• Between washes, we put dirty diapers in a large waterproof diaper tote inside a medium sized garbage pail that snaps shut.
• To go out we use smaller waterproof diaper totes to keep the diapers until we get home.

Washing the goods:

• To get rid of any icky stuff, we first run a load on cold with 1/4 scoop of Country Save laundry powder.
• For the wash, we then run a load on hot with 1/2 scoop of Country Save laundry powder.
• We hang the covers and put the diapers and inserts in a dryer on high.
• If the diapers come out damp we just hang them to dry for another few hours.
• (Note: we don't have any solid stuff yet but plan to use a flushable diaper liner or diaper sprayer to make sure solids go into the toilet right away)

Show me the money:

• We spent around $300 on diapers and expect to spend another $200 in the coming months.
• We spend an extra $35 on laundry per month.

And a bonus:

• Cloth diapering is shockingly easy, we never need to run to the store for diapers, they look great and they've gone a long way to helping us get The Pea to use the potty about half the time (she's 4 months old now).

Now, there are a few reasons that this seems to work for us. The first is that our laundry room has 3 washers and 3 dryers so I just do a couple loads every 3 days - there's always laundry to do with a baby. Also, I sometimes use washing time to Get Stuff Done by throwing the kid in a sling and hitting the grocery store between washes. Finally, both The Husband and I are equal participants in the household laundry.

And sometimes, when I'm tired and The Husband has The Pea under control (or the other way around), I use the cloth diapers as an excuse to sneak down to the laundry room with my iPhone and enjoy the quiet.

What about you? Are there any reasons you didn't end up cloth diapering? Do you have any interesting solutions to common cloth diapering barriers?

Consider Insteads: Baby Gifts

After my recent post about 'Consider Insteads' for baby, one of my aunts emailed to ask for a similar list for gift giving. When I think back to some of the baby gifts I've given, I'm ashamed. What was the worst gift I gave for a baby? A $40 organic cotton 0-3mos onesie. $40!! Thankfully, the baby's mom later told me she took it back and used the money for something much more practical.

Gift giving for new babies is tough. 

How do you get past the usual gifts of sleepers and receiving blankets? It's a fine balance between need and want. Many new parents who don't want their houses to be overrun with baby stuff soon find themselves overwhelmed with large gifts and 'must have' baby items.

To complicate matters, there's a growing debate over the safety of conventional toys (unsafe plastics, environmentally toxic, lead paints etc.) and the dangers of gender-specific marketing for children, especially little girls.

Good thing we know good people.

Lucky for The Husband and I, we got some really great gifts when our daughter was born. Here are five gifts to 'consider instead' for expecting or new parents:

• Food: The credit for this goes to Vincent Marra over at The Dad Jam who suggested that instead of bringing new parents a gift, bring food. We've done this and had it done for us and it's a great way to visit in the early days. Some food ideas:
• Muffins (one friend pointed out that these can be eaten at all hours with one hand)
• Homemade cookies (no plate required)
• Casseroles and pasta dishes for the freezer
• Prepared fruit and yogurt
• Cut up veggies with a dip like hummus

• Gift Cards: Many people think gift cards are impersonal but they can be a great help to new parents on a tight budget (parental leave isn't known for the big paychecks).

• Activity Cards: One of our favorite gifts was a gift card to a local pool along with some baby swim trunks. Other ideas are tickets for a local baby friendly attraction like an aquarium or zoo to be used when the child is a little older.
  
• Restaurant Cards: We still eat out regularly and it's great for new parents to know that they can too (they're parents, not lepers). A gift card is a good excuse to get out of the house with or without baby (you may even offer to babysit for an hour or so). Similarly, gift cards for takeout are also useful.
• Diapers: Not sure if the new parents will be using disposables or cloth? Ask. Most parents would love a gift card to a local store to stock up on diapers or wipes. Similarly, we would have LOVED a gift card to take the initial sting out of the cloth diaper investment.
• Toy & Department Stores: Not sure if the new parents will want an exersaucer? Why not just get them a gift card and let them decide. Gift cards don't expire so the parents may choose to save the money for the toddler years or put it towards something like a carseat instead.

• Wrap Carrier: The Moby Wrap was the carrier we used most in the early days. It's perfect for newborns who have little head control. Unfortunately, a Moby has a steep learning curve so if you're going to give one (and I really think it's a great gift), try to give it ahead of time so the parents can practice. Better yet, figure out how to use it and show them how.

• Toys: With so many recalls and concerns over toxins, toys have become surprisingly controversial. While lots of parents still like the usual toys from companies like Fisher Price and Lamaze, there are lots of other cool options out there.
• Natural Toys: The nice thing about many 'natural' toys is that they're usually esthetically pleasing and focused on imagination. Raspberry Kids in Vancouver and Parent By Nature in Ontario are both great online sources for natural gifts such as bamboo car racers.
• Peppa Dolls: Peppa makes a number of 'Waldorf' and bonding dolls. Made from terry and wool and sold in a Fair Trade manner, these dolls are meant to encourage imaginary play by having limited facial features. You can even buy a sling so the doll can babywear just like mom and dad. In addition, the dolls quickly take up the smells of home to provide comfort for kids.
• Gender Neutral: Rather than getting girl toys for baby girls and boy toys for baby boys, try for something that can be used with kids of all genders (and future kids). Or switch it up - boys can like dolls and girls can like trains too.

• Books: Books are always appreciated. To pass the time, we started reading to our baby after a month or two and she already enjoys turning pages. Knowing we'll have to read the same books over and over for the next 5 years, we love getting new books as gifts, especially funny or quarky ones. Here are a couple of our favourites:

• Anything Robert Munsch: 'The Paper Bag Princess' is hands down the best anti-princess book out there.
• Little Books Boxed Set: We laughed our way through all 3 books.
• Walter the Farting Dog

What about you? What was the best baby gift you gave or received? Or your favourite book for babies?

Babywearing Videos

We use a number of baby carriers on a regular basis. Because we cosleep and didn't bother with a stroller, we had to learn how to use our carriers for everything from naps to long walks around Stanley Park.

As mentioned previously, before we had our baby we took a short class at a local community centre to learn about the various carriers on the market. However, we still found that we had to learn how to use each one when our baby actually arrived. To complicate matters, our baby was born early at 5lbs 7oz so we also had to learn how to carry a small baby when most carriers are meant for babies 7lbs and over.

Lucky for us, lots of babywearing parents have made their own YouTube videos to help share different techniques like newborn carries and breastfeeding while carrying.

Here's a collection of our favourite babywearing how-to videos on YouTube:

• Wrap Carrier: I think every new parent should have a wrap carrier like a Moby Wrap and know how to use it. This wrap is perfect for newborns, especially tiny ones. It seems complicated at first but with a little practice it's quick and easy.

A cute 'how to' video from a new dad in Oslo.
 

Breastfeeding a newborn in a wrap.

• Ring Sling: Sakura Bloom has a number of great videos on YouTube to help you learn how to use a ring sling. I find myself going back to this site again and again as our baby outgrows a favourite carry.

The ring sling tummy to tummy carry for the newborn age and up.

• Ergonomic Mei Teis: Ergonomic carriers like Ergos and Becos are versatile and the favourite of many parents. They can help you wear your baby on your front, back and hip.

Breastfeeding in an Ergo.

Are you a babywearing mama? If you know of any great videos for your favourite carriers, please share by leaving a link in the comments.

It's Here!

The Olympics are here! 

This morning, we got up early and walked down the street the Inukshuk in English Bay

to watch Judy Caldwell, a local librarian, carry the torch to us in the longest torch run in history.

 Not to be outdone, we made sure to wear the colours of the home team

Go, Canada! Go!

My List of 'Consider-Insteads' for New Babies

I was reading Stephanie Precourt's list of must-have luxury baby items in the Real Mom's Guide this morning and it got me to thinking - what are our must-have items?

Hmm... do we have any must-have-baby-items?

Well, you do need a baby - preferably one that will be amenable to chores in the future. The pharmacist in me thinks every parent should also have some nasal saline for the management of infant nose goblins. I also like my thermometer, a little baby shampoo, a handful of onesies, a sleeper, a toque and the odd receiving blanket.

That's where my 'essentials' list ends.

No one really 'needs' anything and almost everything is luxury when it comes to babies.
 
While many moms would disagree, here are 3 things you should know about me:

1. I'm a lowly post-doctoral fellow
2. Who's married to a lovely stay-at-home-husband, and
3. I live in a 700 sq ft 1 bedroom apartment (albeit with a view of the Pacific Ocean, but still...).

Thus, being a woman of limited means and a new mom of 1, I recently had to figure out the bare minimum that was really needed to keep a baby alive and happy (despite the many lists on the Internets that would suggest otherwise).

Now, before you get all defensive and write me a scathing comment or email suggesting that I don't know jack, that I don't need all the baby containers because I'm lucky to have 'help', and that everyone is different, please know that I don't really care. I've heard it all before.

That's awfully smug. What kind of a parent are you?

A broke one. Rather than propagate the baby stuff myth that tells us that we need a houseful of crap to welcome a child (and building on Stephanie's very useful minimalist list), here's an alterna-list of 'Consider-Insteads' from a cheap and smug mom of 1:

• Graco Swings are an abomination, bouncy chairs are not: Gasp! She didn't! We got a Graco swing, it was huge, it took up half the room, we took a picture, we returned it. Congratulations if you have a huge house that doesn't mind the addition of a baby tank, but if you're like us and live in a small apartment, you'll understand when I say that the Graco swing does not store, does not fold down, and looks terrible. You hear me, Graco?!? Luckily, after we recovered from this swing debacle, my parents found us a Svan Bouncer chair (which Stephanie also listed as one of her must-have luxe items). We love it. For something cheaper, consider a Fisher Price Bouncer chair which would also do the trick.

• Skip the stroller and pick up some carriers: I've said it before, and will say it again. We didn't use a stroller for the first few months, opting to use a rotating stash of slings, carriers and wraps instead. While we've started using a Chariot jogging stroller for some half-marathon training (Mama needs her pre-baby booty back - those hot jeans don't wear themselves), we still rely on carriers for day-to-day activities. Just a heads up - the heavier your baby is, the more support you'll need so save your back and consider bypassing the popular Bjorn in favour of a more ergonomic Beco or Ergo (there's a reason used Bjorn's in 'great condition' are a dime-a-dozen on Craig's List). Unless you have a history of low back pain or some other contraindication, a carrier can make life a hell of a lot easier.

• Don't complicate things, bathtime can be simple: We didn't bother with an infant tub. My mom (a mother of twins) found us a Jolly Jumper Bath Eze instead of an infant bath tub - something she'd used herself back in the day. Basically, it's a rectangular wire frame covered with a terry cloth and it keeps the baby's head above water. It was $6. Enough said.
• Baby toys are for wussies - real moms use shit from around the house: Here are our current favorites - 3 yogurt containers, some buckwheat in a jar, wooden kitchen spoons and Mama's hot pink scarf (in honour of St. Valentine's bastardized Day of Love). Oh yeah, I shouldn't forget the used aluminum pie/kick plate from dinner last week.
• Homemade picture books are cool too: We have tonnes of books and love them all but our favourite is the one we made on Blurb for $15. It has all sorts of pictures of our baby in her first months with little stories of how she was born, how she came home and how much everyone loves her. We also gave copies to the grandparents at Christmas.

I know everyone's different and many moms swear they wouldn't have survived the first year without at least 3 strollers, a swing, an exersaucer and a myriad of other baby storage units. That's fine, I won't judge you (ha, ha, okay yeah, I'll totally judge you but only because it seemed like a million people told me I was an idiot and still do on a regular basis so I think I've earned the right to a little retaliatory judgment...).

However, if there was anything I learned by having a baby it's this: when it comes to 'stuff', no one has any idea what they're talking about. Nowadays, we live in a society that encourages us to spend way too much money on things that will hold our babies for us in lieu of giving us the support we need to hold our babies ourselves.

Here's my bottom line when preparing for baby:

Figure out what you need, second guess everything, buy it, and keep the receipt. Borrow what you can. If you can't afford it, don't bother because you probably don't need it.

Care to add any mommy secrets that you found useful?

Why

Why?

We spend a lot of time together, that question and I. We're rarely apart. Most days it rolls around in my mind, sits in on my life. We stand together during quiet times and lie together on nights when I can't sleep. It seems to keep vigil by my thoughts.

Why?

Yes, Why? There are many things to question. The usual stuff of bleeding hearts and media outlets - tragedies, accidents, war. The political stuff - discrimination against lifestyle, religion, background, gender. And we can't forget about limited access to health, the devaluation of life and privileged care.  

But something I have spent far too much time thinking over is Why? more people don't have this codependent relationship with Why? Because I can't seem to get away from it, even on days when I've had enough and find myself staring dumbly at someone as they tell me a supposed truism.  

Little girls are so much quieter than little boys.

In those moments I can feel it snake it's way up my throat and pull itself over my molars to the tip of my tongue and all of a sudden...

Why?

It's free. And it just hangs in the air, between me and that other person, casting a certain tension about the room. Sometimes that tension is just a whiff but oftentimes it's an overpowering odour. And it's during those times I just stand there wishing I had another companion. That I'd found something more polite and friendly than this combative, inconvenient and unattractive question.

But I cannot be free of it because it's times like these (and times like those), that Why? needs to be everywhere. Should be everywhere. As we encounter social norms and life choices we need it to be with us. As we advocate and support. As we criticize and rebel.

As we blindly accept that things are the way they are because that this is just the way things are, it needs to be with us.

Why?

We see it in the vaccine debate. Anti-vaccination advocates have long asked Why? they must vaccinate their children when there is so much at stake.

We see it in the education of women. Women have long asked Why? they must be polite, nurture the family unit, have it all, mind the children.

We see it in health care. Patients have long asked Why? some receive care and others don't, Why? they should choose one form of care over an alternative, Why? someone else is in charge.

We see it in parenting. Parents have long asked Why? their children are not being protected from toxic chemicals, Why? they should raise their children a certain way, Why? they have to buy happy and healthy childhoods for their families.

But often when we ask the tough questions, we forget to listen to the answers. The anti-vaccination community fought so hard to be heard that many stopped fighting for the knowledge. Women fought so hard to be seen that many stopped fighting to be accepted. Patients fought so hard for a choice that many stopped fighting to make that choice. Parents fought so hard to protect their children that many stopped fighting the real enemies.

Why?

And there it is, the reason I have such a close relationship with Why? The reason I write about our responsibility to protect our society and not just our own children. The reason I write about protecting my perfect little daughter from rose-coloured predation. Why I write about the need to have a voice in health care. Why I write about alternative parenting styles. Why I write about public health, the colour pink, breastfeeding, strollers, gender roles, equality, health, care, patriarchy...

It's because Why? is my tenant. My hobby. My lifeline. A member of my family. We cannot take anything for granted as we have everything at stake.

But sometimes, it also makes the world a very lonely place.

And in these times, I can't help but wonder Why?

Video by CarbonNYC